A new place
December 6th, 2008
I know that I have been letting the things that are most important to me fall along the way. I know that my reasons in the past have been the wrong ones.
I have always tried to make Shadowmuse a therapeutic venture. For me, my expression flows easily through writing and in person I am shy and don’t open my mouth very much. But at some point, things become not about self expression but about a craving for approval and attention. I’ve never been the kind of girl that is easily understood and even now these words are filling spaces that only I can see.
I’ve never been in the spotlight and when I am, I feel that I shouldn’t be. I’ve never greedily taken what isn’t mine to take and have never wanted to pout and brood over silly words and vague memories.
Anyone that used to read these pages along with me will wonder what went wrong. They may be angry at me or dissapointed, have given up on me. She doesn’t bother entertaining us anymore so it’s time to leave.
That used to upset me. However, now, I understand.
My life has taken a hard left turn and I am becoming what I am rather than what I should be. I am drowning in every dream and aspiration and letting it pursue me, allowing it to follow, following back.
There are things I need to say but understand this. My words are a fusion of fear and hope and raw emotion and at times there is nothing more than thought. Other times there might be something in there that touches someone else and that’s ok.
I wait now for results of a possible change in direction. I stand in the gutter of a one way street. I either go forward or remain here, stagnant and sorry for not fulfilling dreams.
If I don’t do this, I will spend the rest of my life painfully clutching at my despondency and regret. I don’t want this journey to go in a direction of disappointment. I want to take chances and confront fears. I will not allow a world of assumptions to stand in front of me. It won’t stop me.
My life now is about getting to the place where every part of me feels full.
So Shadowmuse and it’s quaint attempt to help me find who I am, only allowed me to be who others think I should be, which by all means, had my stamp all over it.
In a matter of days or weeks, a new face will be revealed and that face will be truth and energy, life and hope.
There won’t always be sunshine, sometimes the storm is needed, but there will always be hope and progression and no more standing still.
Posted in Day to Day, Dreams, Website |
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