I know that I have been letting the things that are most important to me fall along the way. I know that my reasons in the past have been the wrong ones.

I have always tried to make Shadowmuse a therapeutic venture. For me, my expression flows easily through writing and in person I am shy and don’t open my mouth very much. But at some point, things become not about self expression but about a craving for approval and attention. I’ve never been the kind of girl that is easily understood and even now these words are filling spaces that only I can see.

I’ve never been in the spotlight and when I am, I feel that I shouldn’t be. I’ve never greedily taken what isn’t mine to take and have never wanted to pout and brood over silly words and vague memories.

Anyone that used to read these pages along with me will wonder what went wrong. They may be angry at me or dissapointed, have given up on me. She doesn’t bother entertaining us anymore so it’s time to leave.

That used to upset me. However, now, I understand.

My life has taken a hard left turn and I am becoming what I am rather than what I should be. I am drowning in every dream and aspiration and letting it pursue me, allowing it to follow, following back.

There are things I need to say but understand this. My words are a fusion of fear and hope and raw emotion and at times there is nothing more than thought. Other times there might be something in there that touches someone else and that’s ok.

I wait now for results of a possible change in direction. I stand in the gutter of a one way street. I either go forward or remain here, stagnant and sorry for not fulfilling dreams.

If I don’t do this, I will spend the rest of my life painfully clutching at my despondency and regret. I don’t want this journey to go in a direction of disappointment. I want to take chances and confront fears. I will not allow a world of assumptions to stand in front of me. It won’t stop me.

My life now is about getting to the place where every part of me feels full.

So Shadowmuse and it’s quaint attempt to help me find who I am, only allowed me to be who others think I should be, which by all means, had my stamp all over it.

In a matter of days or weeks, a new face will be revealed and that face will be truth and energy, life and hope.

There won’t always be sunshine, sometimes the storm is needed, but there will always be hope and progression and no more standing still.

Last night it was -7.8 degrees celsius. Thanks to my trusty electric blanket I did not feel this as much as I could have, but holy hell. It’s been a while since it’s been that cold.

I have just completed a renovation of sorts of my lounge room. Tax return money came in and it was decided that furniture, TVs and theatre systems needed to be purchased. I now have a 50inch plasma. 50 frigging inches! It was colossal when first setting it up, but now when we watch it we’re kinda like.. meh, it’s kinda small now.

Really, if you think a tv like that would be way to big in your lounge-room, believe me, after a while it becomes rather normal.

So I am so so happy about the way that room is set up now. I bought a mid level Yamaha system for home theatre, it’s nothing fancy pants but it is plenty for my non audiophile ears. I want quality sound, but don’t want to blow my neighbours heads off either.

The first thing that flashed on my pana plasma was Captain Jack, much nicer in full faced wide-screen 50 inch goodness mind you, very nice. It really is lovely. I feel kinda weird for loving my electronic equipment so much. I have no insecurities in getting over them and giving it a big squeezy hug, cept for the fact that it might get smudged. It’s still in a very fragile “new baby” state you know.

I am playing second finger notes on violin now. Still love it, although when I sound crap, I get pissed off with myself and want to sound amazing. I need to be ultra patient, I’m not that at all.

I am thinking about a change for shadowmuse, renovate the website, new wallpaper and stuff. I guess I go through phases with needing to write and I need to write more often now but this design and all this feels jaded. I need a fresh page.

I’m not writing here as much as I did before. I think all things slow down, you can’t be static forever, unless you’re the static in my hair, in this carpet and all through every jumper I go to put on … evil static. This blog here is now over 6 years old. I have been updating for SIX years. That’s a hell of a lot of time.

Anyway what I wanted to say is that, as you may have already noticed, I only post once or twice a month these days, sometimes more. Hey I might just have a week where I’ll go crazy with an every day post but for the most part I post when I want to get a point across, or when I feel like archiving some part of my life. This website will probably never disappear because it’s my space (not to be confused with the combined my space which hurts my eyes and heart every day I hear another teenager has fallen victim to its tackiness) and my space is going to live here, on the internet, in a little corner and just exist.

If I feel like posting about something I will, If I don’t then I don’t. If you ever want to talk at me you know where to contact me, I’m always around.

I am on the computer every day. Don’t get me wrong, this is not a woe is me, my life is just too hectic and I don’t get a single second of time to get on the computer.. Hells no. I really don’t know what I would do without my beloved computer. Geezus I spent three grand on it, it’s loved.

But yes, I am online every day, and if there is a day on which I am not, then you will know that existence as we know it is over. I’m usually playing some form of MMO or simming or furiously writing.

I’m three quarters of the way through my tertiary prep course and hopefully that means 2009 will mean my enrolment to USQ.

Yeah I’m busy again. I like this busy though. It’s busy with all the things I want to do, finally.

Long live Nintendo, except for that Wii idea.. eh

I applied for a job a few weeks ago. I was interviewed twice for this position because they wanted to make sure I had all these specific high skills and abilities to do the job. I passed apparently, but only after they called to tell me they had picked the other person, then rang back a week later and told me, oops we messed up, want the job?

So my first day is uneventful, as are all first days. I’m doing random stuff to pass time while I am assuming they are preparing to teach me what I’m suppose to be doing, no, not really.

All I did all day was file unimportant papers. The boss wandered around the room asking everyone if they had any work for me to do and everyone said no so they dug up the oldest dustiest stack of papers they could find and asked me to sort them…. Which took all of two minutes and I was back asking for more things to do. Boss looked positively bewildered

I went home that day accepting the fact that the first day is always a bit all over the place and things would be better tomorrow. Wrong again.

The next day I spend all day doing the same thing and the next. At one point I yawned 25 times in about 3 minutes. This was ridiculous, the place just had no work for me. I wondered why they even hired me, they seemed to just want a temp.

The bottom line came, when walking into bosses office, after a grueling two minute stacking task and asked if there was anything else they wanted me to do. Boss looked around the room, picked up a stack of papers and shrugged.

“Not really…”
Held up his mug and said
“How good are you at making coffee?”

What a joke..At that I left and I intend to give the employment “assistance” office a piece of my mind about these employers.

Besides that crap, I have taken up violin lessons. It’s something I have always always wanted to do but never “got around to it” . I bought a beautiful second hand 4/4 violin and I had a great first lesson yesterday. Teacher said she was shocked I had avanced so much during one lesson and that I was a natural *beams* That made me feel a lot better.

I absolutely love it and it does feel natural to me. I’m have a bit of trouble with bow position and not hitting other strings when changing notes but other than than, it’s amazing. Why did I wait so long to learn?

I have no aspirations to be a professional, I just want to be a professional in my own mind hehe. I want to be able to play and play well, just as a gift to myself.

I kinda disappeared there for a while heh. You can blame Age of Conan for that. Wow, I’m loving this game.

There are a few things I don’t like and have become increasingly pissed off about in the past week but you have to remember, we are a couple of days past launch, there are going to be bugs, there are going to be place holders and falling through the ground and getting stuck between trees and stuff. Yeah I’ve done them all.

The funniest was getting wedged between a ritual sacrifice stone table and a tree limb, right in the middle of where the big boss spawned.. nice.

I will try to manage some screenshots this week. I’ve been so obsessed with it that it hasn’t really crossed my mind to document anything. You know I was fretting that I would have to reluctantly go back to WoW for my mmo fix recently but thank god.. Not that I don’t love the WoW, it’s just getting monotonous.

Tabula rasa was my flavour of the week for a while also but I’ve cancelled that account for now because I can’t really afford to pay for three

Aaanyway, I have more updates n stuff but for now I’m going off to lunch.

I received my Early access key and pre-order gear email yesterday for Age of Conan. Now me and a thousand other people are hovering over sites everywhere waiting for the download link to pop up so we can install the client and then wait impatiently again until the 17th so we can go forth and explore.

Some people are getting a little crazy about it. There’s the hardcore PVPers who are tearing their hair out trying to figure out the best way to get to the top the fastest so they can strut around proudly displaying their virtual biceps, pounding their chest, you know the drill. I wonder how many people will be killing themselves to 80 and wondering why they can’t remember any other details in the game other than a whole lot of blood. Eh, each to his/her own.

I myself am just eager to get in there and find out what the fuss is all about. I hope I’m not disappointed, I don’t think I can take much more waiting. I’ve been waiting forever for the Enhanced edition of The Witcher to come out before even installing the game back onto this PC. The date keeps getting pushed back, bla bla.. There’s always a pushing back of the dates!

I’m also looking forward to Spore and Disciples III. I try to occasionally play the original Disciples on this PC which is quite amusing, everything moves at light speed. James is dying to get his hands on Fallout 3 but has a bit of a wait for that one too. >_<

So I’ll just keep trying to not get killed on Crysis for a few days until I can begin downloading this gargantuan AoC file. Hopefully internode mirror the AoC client so I don’t waste three quarters of my dl limit

It’s funny, I can play Crysis with almost everything on high but my Sims 2 game now has a lovely stutter in it, which I believe is something to do with the dual and quad core processors and that Eaxis are aware of the issue. Hope they get to fixing soon!

It’s like I’m six again and it’s Christmas eve. Gah, where is that download link! :no:

I feel loads better today, well besides the strange feeling I had after falling asleep mid afternoon with my electric blanket on the highest setting. I felt really sick, have no idea what that was about, probably dehydration, joy.

I had a job interview today. I had to call the job centre to find out what the business name was because yep, I forgot to ask So I finally find the place and go through the motions. I hate interviews. I sometimes envision the occupants of the room to all start singing and dancing a-la “Once more with feeling”. Sometimes of course that makes things worse.

This time I must have been exceptionally boring as the manager interviewing me kept glancing out the window, lost in his own world. I felt like perhaps if I answered his question of why I want the job with “because my life is meaningless without you” followed by a lingering kiss blown his way probably wouldn’t even have swayed his attention from the obvious riveting shrub outside the window.

It was the same old. Where do you want to be in five years, why do you want to work for us, tell us about your life.. Don’t you just love those questions? If I get this job I’ll be shocked, but hey, it wouldn’t be the first time.

With a $581.96 price tag

My depression and anxiety is getting the better of me. I’m seeing a psychologist now once a week and have at least six sessions with him over the next couple of months. My day consists of avoidance, frustration, anger, fear and a lot of wondering why I’m either bothering. I can no longer do anything without their being a definitive reasons or benefit behind it, and I’m just really angry.

I seem to have decided that my motto in life will now be “Get them before they get me” I don’t let anyone get close or allow myself to be unguarded in case I get hurt. I really don’t want to be any more hurt than I am so I strike first and give everyone a reason to avoid me. That way, I don’t get hurt and I believe I have won the battle.

It was hard mapping out the first quarter of my life to the psych this morning. I had a lump in my throat the entire conversation and the tears almost came. It feels cliche and old, but it has to come out.

He seems kind enough but distant enough for me to spill out the pain, let him sort through the mess. So far he concludes that most of what I do is self-inflicted, but I knew that already, that’s why I keep doing it.

Depression is really pissing me off. I have absolutely no control over what these chemicals in my brain decided to feel at any given moment. My mum called me to go for Coffee a week back. I was fine, feeling great, looking forward to a Cappuccino and a talk with my mum. As soon as I got to the plaza I felt like shit. I felt like everything around me deserved to die. Please don’t be offended by what I’m saying, the things you feel and think when you are feeling that low can’t really be reasoned with, its demented.

The world melted around me into blurred windows and hallways and my vision never swayed from that immediate spot in front of my left foot. My conversation with my mother was monotone and uninteresting. I felt sick, I felt like the coffee I would order would make me ill so I ordered tea and a gluten free chocolate muffin.. which made me feel sick. I wanted to cry, scream, throw the tea at the fucking window. Destroy everything around me and curl into a ball, let the darkness envelop and take me away from it all.

When I left the plaza, half way home, I felt great. The feelings of hopelessness faded and I started to use some positive tools to help me push everything back and see clearly. It was a facade of course, but it works to get through the ugly until I actually did feel great again.

I can’t finish anything. I can start it with enthusiasm but it never ends. It just sits there idle and unimportant until I realise what I’ve neglected and feel terrible. It’s destroying my world from the inside out again and I need it to stop.

I don’t want to be always sad, I don’t want be afraid of voices and what they are saying about me or of approaching anything or anyone. I don’t want to have random thoughts about horrible accidents and the many ways in which one could no longer exist. I don’t want my world to completely fade out and be left only with a fantasy and illusion.

I get scared sometimes that I’ll never get back. I hope something comes of this, and I am sorry if it bleeds through to this blog, which of course is unavoidable. I just want to see it laid out in front of me, pick through the pieces and choose what I want back, banish the rest, and live my life.

Tobien

Dante

Jacob

Connor

Rhys