Ok! I just wrote an entire post and the server reset itself while loading the page and thus no entry. I hate that Rather annoyed. Most of the time I copy paste the entry just in case but this time I said, nah, it will be fine.. and of course, far from fine.

I don’t have the energy to rewrite it.

Really amazing! Listen to this with your headphones, a much better result (no it’s not one of those annoying scare the crap out of you half way things) It is kind of freaky though. You can almost see the sound.

Experience holophonic sound

In my studies at the moment I’m reading about how much of ourselves we give away to others and what rules apply to particular social situations. How much of yourself do you show to your partner, family, friends, strangers? Some of us don’t allow any of the hidden self to be revealed even with our closest loved ones. This might be due to past relationships, situations where allowing ourselves to be open has resulted in being hurt in some way.

I can relate to a past of giving without much receiving. I spent a good deal of energy allowing myself to be open with those I thought were respectful of that fact but infact took advantage of my openess and abused it. It’s taken me a long time to be able to be myself again and trust. Even now there are well guarded aspects of myself which I’d like to be more open with. Dwelling in the hidden self is destructive in the long term and being able to talk openly and show your true self to others is therapuetic yes. But how do you know when it’s right?

How can you be certain that this time your heart won’t be ripped out or that you won’t be taken advantage of? Is life really just a sequence of lessons or do we eventually choose the right answers and if we don’t have anyone to tell us the correct answers, how do we know that our choices are correct?

It’s a sickly balmy 24.2 celcius with about 90% humidity. There’s not a scrap of breeze to be found. If you do hear the slight rustling of branches outside the window, it’s most probably the local stray cat, chasing random nocturnal insects.

I have the worst stomach cramps ever. Take a red hot poker, thrust it into your stomach, turn it a couple of times and then proceed to do that every few minutes for three days. Yes thus is the monthly installment of pain that has been bestowed on the female population. Well some of us anyway. I’ve always gotten horrible pains.. and horrible moods to go with it. I wish I didn’t, but I can really tell the difference.

So back to the unyielding heat. I do love Australia, it’s a beautiful country and I’m grateful to have been placed into it.. but for the love of god, STOP with the heat already! It doesn’t make it any easier to have all your main sources of entertainment on the second floor, a common favourite amongst places heat likes to go. Upstairs feels like the inside of a well populated fish and chip shop. I keep expecting to see rotisseries lining the walls hung with dripping well cooked bbq chickens, sizzling as they turn. Even the cat has had enough. Although I’m sure he wouldn’t mind the chicken.

Every evening I go to bed with a new vision, a motivation that can’t be stopped. I decide that tomorrow will be different. Tomorrow will hold the key to bring about the changes I keep avoiding. I’m excited, I’m looking forward to it. I know that tomorrow is THE day!

The tomorrow comes. I wake up, drag myself out of bed, consume breakfast and try my hardest to put whatever crazy inclination I was having last night, completely out of my thoughts.It’s a constant internal struggle. I’m actually arguing with myself, fighting myself to try and come up with reasons to do it.

I’m talking primarily abut the gym here. About fitness and about eating the right thing. I love going to the gym, don’t get me wrong, but going to the gym is the hard part. Being at the gym, I love it.

I tend to think my problem is a little bit anxiety based. I worry about things that have no importance to reality. I realise that these thoughts are stupid and time wasting and yet continued to support them. The thought process upon telling myself I should go to the gym soon goes a little something like this -

“Ok so I’m going to have to put petrol in the car because it’s really low, the traffic is horrible at this time, lots of idiots on the road. This outfit really doesn’t look like the other girls outfits at the gym. I wish I could wear anything and look good. Oh and when I get there, I wonder if it will be packed with people again. That may mean having to wait ages to use the equipment I usually workout on. No bench free, no treadmill, no bikes. Might be bikes, but they’ll be the shitty ones that I hate using. Hope I can get a park. What if I don’t feel very energetic? Wonder what everyones thinking about me, wonder if they know I’ve been here for almost 4 years. I could be doing so much more in an hour. Maybe I can just go tomorrow. Start afresh. I’ve eaten chocolate today anyway, so I can’t possibly go today. Ok I’ll go tomorrow..”

That’s it. All of that ridiculous unimportant crap that revolves around my preparation to go the gym. I try to fight it but it always wins. It’s really hard to find motivation. Now somedays I’m ok and I understand these are the days that I just don’t think about it. A key to getting up and going that sometimes works for me is setting the alarm clock for the time I usually go. Then I don’t spend the entire day dwelling on it and making up reasons not to. I just don’t think about it until the alarm goes off. Then I just go, without a second thought.

The mind controls so much of our decisions and actions that sometimes It’s hard to know what the original idea was in the first place. It likes to take a perfectly simple plan and twist it into a messy maze of doubt and insecurity. Wouldn’t be nice to just be able to switch off your head? Just follow the intution, lead with your body and will rather than your irrational thoughts? Yeah that would be nice. I’m still trying to master the ability. I’ll get there one day.

We made an appointment to see a Migration officer, lawyer type dude on Wednesday. He will help us through the entire process of application and make sure we have all the correct documents to get this process over as soon as possible. He will lodge the application in Washington, correspond with the department and keep contact with us at all times as to what is happening along the way. He said it usually takes about 3 months which is a hell of a lot better than the 6 I was initially anticipating. He seems like a lovely man, really easy to talk to. The thought of James and I being apart still scares me though.

It’s become comfortable, as if he were never not part of my life. I love waking up knowing he’s there. The little things. The way he’ll watch me while I’m looking away only to tell me he was just thinking about how much he loves me. I’m not sure how an empty house will feel again. I guess I’ll find out soon enough.

Although Wordpress 2 is officially out, I don’t think I’m ready to upgrade as yet. I was reading a thread on the official site enquiring as to why people weren’t updating to the new version and most of them were similar to my reasoning. 2 is incompatible with the majority of my many plugins and half my main directory files are so far from the original code that I couldn’t even imagine to remember where I’ve changed things.

I think, in this case, it’s a matter of not being broken so why fix it. It took me long enough to get everything working in the first place. I sure as hell don’t want to be messing with that again.

Something I am messing with is details and information regarding how to get James entry into this country. The visa he has to apply for means he has to apply in America. When his visa is up, March 1st, he has to go back The horrible part of this came when I found out it takes an average 4 to 6 months to process this visa. The thought of 6 months without him is sickening. I don’t know what I’m going to do. Apparently that’s just a guideline and it may be much faster but you know, a month is long enough ..

3 months ago we weren’t ready for this. Meaning, we both weren’t mature enough in our relationship to have gotten to a point of assurance and security and I think now we have. This is the only reason we are coping with this option. At this point, it really is our only option. This country makes it so hard for people to migrate here, it’s insane. I’m royally pissed off at the government right now and I intend to remain so until they tell me good news!

We will cope I believe. It’s going to be hard and there will probably be alot of tears but I guess my future with James is something I’m willing to sacrifice this time for. We spent at least 20 years of our lives apart, this will be nothing right?

We finally got a chance to use our freebie movie tickets today. We got up nice and early and went off to see The Chronicles of Narnia. I’ve been wanting to catch the movie for a while due to it being one of my most vivid memories as a child. The wardrobe and the fantasy world beyond fascinated me to the point where I used to try with all my might to make my own wardrobe spring to life with a glittering world of ice and intrigue. Unfortunately all that ever eventuated was the heavy odor of old wood and mothballs and a lot of clothes on my head.

I remember a lot of little detail that the book held that didn’t seem to play a big part in the movie but perhaps that was my vivid imagination making more of the written word. I loved it all the same and it took me back to a place where I fell away from any adult responsibility and everything became possible.

The characters were adorable, the visuals beautiful and the storyline just familiar enough to spark a child-like mesmeration.

When I first caught the previews of this film I could of sworn Cate Blanchett was playing the White Witch. She and Tilda Swinton are so alike. I remember thinking she played the part of Gabriel in Constantine also.

Oh my god, the woman accross from us is vacumming in her underwear while playing music straight out of an aboriginal Corroboree. This might be ok had she not had every single window and door wide open while doing it.

The woman doesn’t believe in blinds or curtains of any description. I just casually glanced out the window and wish I hadn’t. All I saw was large bright flowery white underwear while her backside was pressed up against the screen door obviously trying to navigate the vacumm cleaner into those hard to reach spots.

My eyes need to be thoroughly washed now :dead:

I’m getting so tired of this job searching. I went to an interview for an amazing position at the Conservatorium of Music on Wednesday and the interview went brilliantly. They let me know that they wanted me back for a second interview and just moments ago I got an email letting me know that my application and interview showed high standards of experience and professional commitment but yet, I wasn’t successful at this time.

They claim they will keep my resume on file should any suitable position come up. A nice way to say don’t call us, we’ll call you. I find it rather upsetting that after being such a close knit kind of organisation and having such a nice conversation with the two people that interviewed me, that the least they could do was give me a call to let me know. Just really dampens the spirit. I thought that this was actually going to be the one.

Aside from the lack of job getting, nothing much is going on around here. I’m studying.. a lot. Going to the gym full time again and have finally got that euphoric yay back that you get after a workout. But overall life is just an ebb and flow currently. It’s almost as if I’m watching my life from the outside but I’m not allowed to participate. It’s weird.