Well James is now back and everything is fine again. I no longer feel like part of me is missing, I’m happy and looking forward to our futures.

As you may notice, I really am finding it hard to write here at the moment and I want to talk about it because I’d really like to know why I get into these sub-moods.

1. I can’t think of anything remotely interesting to say other than an extension of what I said in the last post.
2. My introspective vibe is being selfish and won’t let me say anything publicly.
3. My philosophising side is really pissed off at the world right now and can’t come to the page. It has taken it upon itself to be mortified at the population of this planet and will refrain from speaking further on the subject should one say something that might be used against it at a later time.
4. All my time is taken up with the James

So that’s about all I can spill. I have a strange aversion to doing anything anyone else is doing right now. I’m being quite a challenge to understand. Not sure why. Perhaps this too will pass.

In the meantime, let’s hope my inspiration comes flooding back and attempts to drown my muse.

Gawd it’s hot! All I seem to do is complain about the heat. That would be quite simply because it’s hot! Australia has seemed to have forgotten that summer left about two weeks ago. Hello, autumn?

There are only two days remaining before James’ plane arrives back in Sydney. I am so over the waiting and ready to just cling to him for days. I’ve never missed anyone to the point of not being able to exist, but that’s what it felt like and we have since both come to the conclusion that we are never going to be apart again.

Some people need that space apart from each other. Like, one of my friends once said that she was so glad her husband was on a business trip because she could have her time and go out with the girls. With James, I don’t understand the need for that. He’s my best friend and love and any time without him is a negative in my book. We truly are a sickening couple lol.

Back to work tomorrow. There’s a certain sense of control over that sentence now, where once I would mutter and complain about it for most of Sunday. I finally feel like things are starting to make sense. All those whispers in my ear, telling me to hold on for just one more day, they are all clear now. I understand.

Yep yesterday was my birthday, a monumental occasion marking my entrance into this world. I’ve since come to realise that this planet needs help and so do many of its occupants but other than that, I’m quiet happy here.

Went out for dinner with my dad and thought about James alot. It would have been nice if he were here.

Work is great, much better than expected.

Can you tell my inspiration to write at this moment is close to zero? I just have nothing to say except the same old things. Does that make me boring? On the contrary, I have a very rich full life, filled with things that I don’t think are anyone elses business hehe. If you wanna read that stuff you’ll need to break into my head and steal them.

I’ve made remarkable changes and am willing to sacrifice alot more and life ahead is looking strange and fascinating all at once.

My format may change along with it. You may notice a lot of “writing to self” because I think that’s what this should be about. The depth of my writing has been very surface lately and I want to change that. I want to implement the extent of my creativity, I want to fly free.

Yep, it was my first day at the new job today. I always find these experiences nerve racking. I’m the new girl, going into an office full of people who have probably been talking about and wondering “who’s the new girl” for a while now. Thankfully my nerves were eased when met with some absolutely lovely people, I think I may have already made some new friends. The work was a pleasure to do, the place is gorgeous, big high windows, airy office, the newest equipment, air conditioned. The place I work in isn’t in the middle of a big city, it’s in a leafy suburb, a very old magestic building, beautiful architecture. Can you tell I love it already?

The only part of it I’m not very happy about is the commute. Took me an hour and a half to get home today - it really shouldn’t have taken that long but I’ve now learned that the route I took is probably not the best one. Hopefully tomorrow’s journey is a little quicker.

I already feel different, like I’m actually doing something worthwhile now. It’s good to have something to make the days fly by while I’m waiting for my sweetie to come home. I still miss him terribly and that’s one reason why I’m working, in order to be able to do what we want to do, travelling, visa costs etc.. it’s not cheap!

So my first day was rather a success and I’m all exhausted. I didn’t get to talk to James today because of our times being all opposite and the work thing getting in the way. God I hope I catch him in the morning, I miss him so much!

Ok I’m going to get back into regular writing again now. A few days ago I could do nothing but wander around the house wondering what the point in doing anything was without James; I’m a little better now.

I think it’s worse because he and I moved into this place together so all the memories here are of him and everything we did together. I am talking to him every day now and it seems to have eased the pain a little. The really good news that has come out of this is that three months has been changed to one and I get to see him much much sooner now. We’ve changed our plans a little regarding how we are going to do this visa thing and so this way we get to be together through all of it.

I’m about to go off to the gym. Oh my god yes at 8:30am on a Sunday morning I’m actually considering working out. I think mornings work better for me, first thing. Then I get it out of the way and I can get on with my day with much more energy.

Oh more changes, I got work! Well it’s temp work at the moment but it should go for at least three months. It pays 19 an hour, much higher with temp than permanent. I start on Monday and inbetween then I have to go find some clothes to wear. Everything in my wardrove is gym or casual.

Things are starting to definitely look up. The only part of this missing is James and I know I only have to hold on for less than 4 more weeks and he’ll be here

I just came back from the airport, I feel lost and my head is pounding. James left on a mid morning flight to Los Angeles. I didn’t want to let him go, it hurt so much. I can’t remember much of the drive back home, my eyes are still red, the crying has slowed a little now and I just have a dull ache in my heart which occasionally rises again and brings tears. Everything is reminding me of him.

I know that it’s only for three months. I know three months will probably fly by but right now, it feels like the end of the world. I feel alone and scared and I just want to hold him. I can’t talk to him for another 18 or so hours, until his plane lands and that’s frustrating me to no end. I want to make sure he’s ok, I just want to talk to him.

I don’t know what to do with myself, I feel sick and I can’t concentrate on anything. I’m wandering around the house trying to find a reason to just do something, anything other than think. When the person you love more than anything in the world isn’t there anymore, you realise just how big that love is. I would give anything just to touch his face, look into his eyes right now, say it’s going to be ok.. even if inside I feel like I’m dying.

God, it’s been two hours since I said goodbye and already I’m falling apart.