I’m still working on the new design. I’m always very fussy about my graphics and layout and every single friggen detail. Perfectionism is not a blessing, for the most part. Anyway I’m trying to make it and wordpress live in perfect harmony. There’s new plugins and bits and pieces that weren’t here before. I wish I were able to live with the unimportance of visual satisfaction, but it’s the artist in me, struggling to take over.

I have half a dozen other things on my plate and nothing seems to get done. I go to work, get home from work, find something for dinner, relax for half an hour and it’s back to bed again to do it all again. Don’t you just want to pause it all sometimes and do what you need to do, pull it all back into focus again. I feel like it’s going to be 2007 before I get around to doing anything at all.

The M4 Motorway is a marvel of modern technology. It allows me to get from A to B in a relatively straight line at a greatly increased speed. Yay for roads. The only negative thing about the M4, is that EVERYONE thinks it’s a marvel and decides to use it at the same time as me.

There are two major things that annoy me about travelling on this road. The first one is about accidents. So they happen, they get in the way, get over it. But that’s not the case. Most of the time, when I’ve been stuck in a death crawl for the past half hour, the sun directly in my eyes, more cars piling onto the motorway through the entry ramps, unable to squeeze in because noone wants to get one car space behind, it’s because people are stupid.

When I finally get to the accident, guess what? What freaking accident? It’s on the side of the road, there’s nothing in anyone’s way and yet we are still at a crawl. People feel the need to slow down to almost half of the legal speed just to have a good stare at what’s going on. If everyone just ignored it and kept at their pace we wouldn’t have these problems. So everytime I see a flashing “Accident ahead” sign coming up, I just know the only accident going on up ahead is humanity trying their best to mimmick big stupid cows.

The second annoyance about el M4o is the people that choose to drive with their nose almost pressed against the back of your car. They assume if they are closer to the car in front of them, then surely they are getting there quicker. This is how most of the accidents happen. When you’re at a crawl and you get a boost of speed for several minutes and suddenly have to stop at 90kms, there is going to be some connection issues.

But after all my annoyance of the M4 I went and put myself into both categories. Tuesday evening on the way home from work, I became the accident and the connected. I can honestly say, I was driving at a two car distance from the car in front. I wasn’t speeding and I wasn’t doing anything stupid at the time, It was just unfortunate. We were all flowing at a steady pace when the car in front of me slammed on it’s breaks, slid to a stop and just missed the car in front. I, however did not. My breaks seem to work and yet my tires didn’t and have soon come to realise that they are shitty tires. So I slid to a stop and unfortunately didn’t stop in time, connecting with the car in front.

I always find it surreal when something like this happens. I had an accident about 4 or 5 years ago that was a little worse than this one and I no matter how hard I try, I can’t remember anything about how it happened or what happened during those few seconds of impact. I do however, remember the money. I had a nice little collection of coins in the front console of my car and when I impacted, all the money showered over me in cold icy waves. It’s all I can remember.

So there isn’t much damage and the guy I hit said it was a company car and the amount of damage on it was minimal, his boss probably wouldn’t even worry about it. Here’s hoping so. My car has two little rips in the front bumper, but again, just cosmetic and the important thing is I’m ok, the other guy is ok and it could have been much worse.

I find it really hard to get moving in the morning. I don’t think I actually open my eyes until half way through breakfast. Sometimes the cat decides it might be a good idea to walk directly in front of me down the stairs and well, sometimes the cat is accidently firmly reminded that doing that is perhaps not the best idea.

Yes, the body clock has finally decided to buy itself a new battery and is waking me at some ungodly hour of the morning, every morning, even Sunday. I can’t sleep in anymore. It’s like an automatic reaction. Out of bed, fumble for the pink sheep boots (ugg), try and find the light, repel from the light as it burns my corneas out. Id go as far as saying that mornings for me are kinda painful heh.

Even now, as I play pong with the idea of getting up and readying myself for work, I’m thinking it’s much nicer right here, in front of my faithful computer with my $49.95 ceramic heater directed at my feet- because it’s not technologically advanced enough to warm more than one small area at a time.

I need a job that starts at 10 and finishes at 2, oh and lets you come in with pink boots and PJs, with full pay of course.

Yes I’m alive, stop making that face! I’ve been diligently working on a new design for shadowmuse. I’ve had this one up since the site began and I’m desperate for a change of scenery. So over the last few days I’ve tweaked a design and have it all ready to nail together and open for business.

The perfectionist in me won’t let go of the mouse; just one more colour, one more line of text, one more useless section of blogging paraphernalia. It’s tiring, but something I love to do.

Speaking of design. I’m really excited because recently the company I work for was short on time on getting a full page colour advertisement into a local magazine and their staff didn’t have the resources to run up something before deadline, so I offered. I received a copy of the magazine today in the post and there it is, in all its full page glossy splendour. It feels really good to have something published and I feel like it’s given me an edge in that area of work, it’s something I’d definitely love to be more deeply involved in (graphic design - not advertising) I love creating, in any form and it’s so hard to be creative in a nine to five office job.

It’s little moments like these that make my day, make me stop evaluating myself and just enjoy.

The new design will be up before the week is out

You may or may not know, but over the past two years I lost well over 40kg (88 lbs) I never felt or looked better. My life completely turned around in every aspect. I felt alive and healthy. Well, after all my hard work, I went and got “Comfortable” and put most of it back on.

This is the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life. It took a year and after that year I swore I would never let myself get to that point again. People told me hey, you’ll never go back, not now, not now that you know how it feels. Well let me tell you, it’s damn hard work to lose it but even harder to maintain what you’ve already lost.

It started with a few sinful foods that I used to eat, maybe just a little won’t hurt. I realised that in fact a little didn’t kill me and so I could have more. Over time exercise became the last thing on my mind. It was too hard, I had no time, I would make up for it. The excuses just kept coming and coming.

I can’t begin to tell you how dissapointed in myself I am. I’ve gone over it a hundred times. Sometimes I think that, if I just regret it enough, it will change things. Instead I know, that my regret is creating a past lesson that I’m unfortunately reading the wrong way.

Rather than focus on the fact that, wow I lost over 40kg, I CAN do it, I’m now focusing on the very real fact of failure. I DID do it and I failed. What happens if I sacrifice everything again and I fail again? It scares me that I’m at a point of being stuck, that I can’t go forward. My mind is set to lose it again, but I can’t seem to find the spark to push it onwards.

I read all the motivation tips and self help crap I can get my hands on. I get moments of pure get up and go where I can go a whole two days completely immursed in fitness and weight loss thinking but doing it is hard, harder than the first time. I regret having been so stupid, having thrown away that chance and I’m not sure how I can get it back, or whether I’m even trying, but I sure as hell want to try.