How is it that you can buy a pizza from Dominos and the like with the works for $4.95 but a lean cut of meat or a kilo of tomatoes costs you $10 and over?

Most of the time I prefer to make homemade pizza. I can add what I like to it without having to wade through the grease dripping off the inch of cheese piled on a takeaway one but after calculating what it costs me to make one, it’s a hard choice to make.

The choice between healthy and artery clogging isn’t the difficult decision, it’s the fact this world is becoming such an expensive place to live in, that sometimes you aren’t given a choice.

You can get this meal deal worth 1200 calories for only $4.95 or you can have a nice home cooked low fat meal for the bargain price of $15. When you don’t have the money and you’re hungry or trying to feed a family, what do you do? Do you take what they give you and go with it?

It now costs me almost $200 a week to feed two people and that’s with nothing fancy at all. It’s the basics. I can’t imagine what a family of four or more has to produce each week to eat.

These articles telling you how to feed a family for $50 a week, how to save money at the checkout, they take away a basic right to want to choose healthy alternatives. I often see mothers with trolleys piled high, boxes of highly processed frozen foods, cheap meats, white refined breads and rice, chips and biscuits full of salt and saturated fat. They do it because they don’t have a choice.

Why doesn’t the ownership of this responsibility fall on the ones gauging the prices of our food? Shouldn’t we as a society, being so concerned about obesity and disease caused by poor nutrition be charging $10 for the pizza and $4.95 for the lean meat or vegetables?

I really envy those that can finish things. I seem to have a well read history of starting things and not finishing them.

Take, for instance, Kristine over at Kadyellebee. I’ve been reading her blog for years and years and still she updates, still she’s interesting, really admirable.There are many many blogs I read out there that are continually inspiring. I’m left humbled by it all.

Being so critical of myself, I find it hard to be happy with anything I do. There is hate that I even wrote that sentence, it seems forced and unacceptable. I keep trying, even if the bouts of inward dissapointment send me on a self sabotage journey now and then; I’m really not giving up. Not when there are people out there who continue and do it so well.

I am a writer by nature for gods sake. This should be easier but at the end of the day, it’s really not. It is harder to be creative because the creativity is the one thing I have and with that comes the expectation. There’s too much complication. There really need not be any.

Examining reasons does no good as there are none. There is nothing holding me back, nothing stopping the flow of words, the depth of imagination. I have been making an extra effort to be conscious in these thoughts over the past few weeks, trying to overwhelm them and pinpoint the moment I want to stop thinking.

I’m yet to find it. But I will.

Gaah! Today is the second time I have missed the same appointment. I remade it back on the 11th and horrified, I remember the damn thing at about midday, a good 3 hours after said appointment.

A lovely game of phone tag followed. Messages were left, messages were missed. I eventually just gave up the whole thing and tried to forget ever having an appointment. I really do not do well with schedules. It’s almost like I personally break them.

Before the missed appointment was even remembered, I was spending the morning driving a rental loaded with furniture and soggy cardboard boxes to the tip. It was overdue. I couldn’t get the car in the garage and because this town tends to dump a foot of tennis ball sized hail at any given moment, I was pacing the front room yesterday watching the dark clouds gather, waiting for the freight train sound to steadily rise. It never happened. We got tiny hail, but nothing that warranted my pained expression. The garbage got removed today and the car now has a home again.

Unfortunately one piece didn’t make it. While driving home we became increasingly worried about a large brown form in the middle of the road up ahead. It looked suspiciously like a dog and as we came closer we stupidly realised it was one of the fat brown cushions of the lounge we had just carted to the tip. So we scooped it up and it lives in the garage to see another day for now.

Was good to get things done. It doesn’t happen that often around here.

There’s a bit of renovation going on at the moment, with me and this site. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking over the past few months. Sometimes it actually returns me with useful information.

I’ve decided that my reasons for running my own site now are not the reasons I had when I first started and I don’t like that. So I’m taking it back. If I have had the tendency to hold back at any point in my life, this is not it. I am tired of being acceptable and for some reason I have more so than not, fit myself into a category or requirement.

Nup, not anymore.

When I finish fiddling with things, I will be more present than ever here. This will be the one and only outlet. This will be less about what you want and more about what I want, which, when I really think about it, is probably what you want too.

I never got all my old posts put back up, never finished that massive task. It entails having to enter hundreds of posts into a database manually because of a major fuck up with the previous backup. But I’m talking pre-2003 here. Not yesterday or anything. Not that important right now.

I’m really just rambling on here about all the things I have in mind for the site and what not. I have intentions of offering a lot more resources then previously. Well it was actually my full intention to have all that stuff up years ago but for some reason, I never thought I would care. I probably didn’t and didn’t because I didn’t want to.

I’ll stop there, before I my head explodes. It’s close to midnight, close to 5 degrees outside and I am in need of chocolate and tea.